Christian Ficara

iDon'tCare what your phone does (But you should)

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 00:50:09 -0500

iPhone? Android? Windows? It’s very simple and has nothing to do with which phone your friends have. Where do you keep your pics/movies/music etc? IPod/iTunes=iPhone. Google Apps= Newer Android. Windows Media=WP8. None of the above? Entry-level, free Android or iPhone. Molly Hatchet Records-Photo Albums-VHS porn guy? You probably don’t need a smart phone. The gadgets would only distract you from writing your manifesto, and GPS would just lead the authorities to your meth lab anyway. Do whatever is convenient or makes you happy. Last tip: Nobody else cares what YOUR phone can do.

The holidays are coming- don't be 'That Guy'

Thu, 22 Nov 2012 00:31:00 -0500

We’re entering the holiday season, a seemingly endless series of gatherings with family and friends. Family gatherings are usually compulsory. You’re pretty much forced to deal with whatever crazy behavior is happening, and I don’t know nearly enough about your issues with your folks to tell you what to do or not do in their presence. The interactions between you and your addled brood are outside the scope of this article. What I am focusing on is keeping you from ruining the good time of people who do not require your company.

Most of us have spent some holidays away from our family, separated by work schedules, geography and/or restraining orders. I’ve been both a grateful guest and a host of friends, acquaintances and their friends. At their best, holiday gatherings of the displaced can be even more fun than a family gathering, with friends and co-workers letting it all hang out without having to worry about what grumpy old Grandpa might say. Because they are made up of people who are gathering by choice, they tend to be low-pressure and low-bullshit affairs.

The flip side is that when there is someone disrupting the day, it’s a double-whammy for everyone else. Not only are you missing the holiday with your family, but now you’re dealing with some knucklehead who’s making everyone uncomfortable. If I can keep one person from being that knucklehead, I will improve the holiday experience of anywhere between 4 and 50 people. That makes me happy. Here goes:

Giving Thanks

Do:

Graciously thank your host a few times. Upon arrival, during the toast, when leaving, thanks are appreciated by those who put effort into helping you enjoy your holiday. You’ll be well-remembered and probably invited again in the future.

Don’t:

Thank your hosts more often or profusely than a normal person would thank someone that donated an organ to them. This is mostly the domain of the very drunk or very high. If you’re finding yourself muttering ‘Thanks soooo much for having us’ or ‘You guys are great’ every time you feel a lull in the conversation like some nodding rag-doll with three phrases on a pull-string, you’re being ‘That Guy.’ Keep the nodding and smiling and can the rest, it’s creepy.

What to bring

Do:

Bring a bottle of wine. Maybe bring a side dish or a dessert.

If it’s a gift-giving holiday, it’s always cool to bring some sort of game everyone can enjoy.

Bring your party pants if it’s that kind of thing.

If ,and only if, you are often complemented by your friends for playing cool music and you are gathering with those same friends should you bring some tunes. If not nudge this into the ‘Don’t Bring’ column.

Don’t:

There are obvious things that will ruin a party, like plutonium, fruitcake and Pol Pot. Less obvious, but as potentially damaging are things you could bring, but shouldn’t bring unannounced.

Do not bring anyone’s ex unless it’s completely cool with everyone involved. Then you’re off the hook and they’re either fine with it or forced to lie about being fine with it. Either way, things stay calm and there’s no collateral damage.

Don’t bring any drugs unless it’s completely cool with everyone involved. You’re not only being a pain in the ass, you’re introducing legal ramifications into the situation. Not fair to anyone else and most certainly a ‘That Guy’ thing to do.

While not as serious as the above infractions, this one happens to personally annoy me. Please, please, please don’t ever bring your goddamned dog to a party unannounced. Again, if it’s cool and everybody is bringing dogs you are fine. Just don’t assume that everybody is as delighted with your dog as you are. Like it or not, some people don’t like dogs and might even be scared to death of them. I’m a dog lover. I likely would be scratching your dog’s belly and chucking the tennis ball around. However, I don’t like it when someone makes things tough on the hosts or guests by being selfish and inconsiderate. That’s why, although I may think your pooch is as cute as a button, I’m secretly rooting for him/her to eat enough gravy to blow moon pies all over your apartment when you pass out that night.

Very similar to the dog thing is bringing your kid unannounced. This depends entirely on the type of gathering. If it feels like you shouldn’t bring them, don’t. While everyone may act like they enjoy hanging out with and keeping track of your kid, they’re likely just being much more considerate than you and making the best of it. If everyone is drinking and laughing, the music’s blaring and your kid is curled up asleep on a couch next to a guy that’s ripping bong hits, you’re doing it wrong. Don’t bring them to the kegger. You’re not the cool mom, you’re ‘That Girl’.

What to Take:

Do:

Take leftovers if they are offered. Not only are leftovers a nice thing to have, you’re further complimenting the cook by taking some.

Take pictures… mainly because I always forget to take pictures and am always grateful for those that do.

Make sure to take your personal property, especially if you don’t know the hosts very well. Don’t be ‘That Guy’ that makes them wait around for you the next day because you just have to have your jacket.

If you’re super helpful and want to go above and beyond the call of duty, take trash to the curb or even take inebriated guests home.

Don’t:

Don’t take the leftovers of the dish that you brought. This isn’t always a bad thing, just use discretion. If the party’s over and the hosts are telling you to take it, go right ahead. It’s also perfectly cool to transfer the food and bring home the plate, but it’s pretty shitty of you to say ‘This is MY bean dip’ and leave with it while the party is still going on.

Don’t take liberties with the host or the host’s significant other. What are you stupid? Do I even need to write this down or elaborate on the reasons for not doing this? I’ve seen it enough times that it needs to be on the list. Flirt if you want to flirt, just not at this type of shindig. The key to making this a ‘That Guy’ moment is that you’re ruining it for everybody else. You’re within your rights to steal someone else’s partner if they’re willing, just not if it winds up fucking up my turkey.

Don’t take other people’s property. Another obvious one, but sometimes people see opportunity in a crowded party. Nobody will ever be able to prove it, but they’ll know. You’ll forever be known to the host as ‘That shithead that took my Wilco CD.’ You’re really going to tarnish your name like that? Really? For Wilco?

When The Music’s Over

It can sometimes be tricky to know when it’s time to leave. Here are a few guidelines:

Do:

Leave when you become aware that everyone else left in the room knows the host better than you do. An exception would be if you are there with someone that knows the host very well. Common sense rules here

Leave immediately if someone with you is getting belligerent. Make sure you also remove the belligerent person. While not earning you full ‘That Guy’ status, negligence here will still cause you to be remembered at the guy who brought ‘That Guy.’ If you’re Roger, this is the difference between ‘Roger, come on over! Bring your friend!’ and ‘Man, I really like Roger but I can’t invite him because he might bring that asshole.’

Leave immediately if the hosts start fighting. Not only does it remove you from an awkward situation, it indirectly helps them. If everyone clears out, they’ll likely be so embarrassed that they’ll stop fighting before it leads to gunfire. The life you save may be your own!

Don’t:

Don’t assume that, though you just met the hosts, you’ve really reeeeeeealy bonded with them and that this gives you after-party privileges. If you have in fact hit it off, this will reveal itself by subsequent interaction. Don’t push it on the first night. Say thanks and hit the road.

Don’t leave a crying or angry date at the party. Would you shit in the middle of the living room floor and leave? This is just a less stinky version of that and will have the same effect on the party.

Don’t stick around if one of the hosts goes to sleep. No matter how nicely they tell you it’s cool to hang out and enjoy yourself, this is a cry for help. The people who were nice enough to have you want the party to be over. Help them.

5 for Fighting:

Quick Tips-

Beating someone up does not give you possession of their girlfriend. This is the real world, not fucking Popeye. Proof: The floppy-haired pussy playing the acoustic guitar always has a girlfriend. Think about it…
If you’re a fringe acquaintance at a gathering and decide to be a tough guy, there is the very real possibility that you will get your ass kicked by dozens of people. Many a fight is decided by a simple ‘I know this guy’ or ‘I don’t know that guy’
No matter what the reason is, if you throw the punch you’re ‘That Guy’
Winning is Losing: The person that wins the fight is usually the one that gets kicked out.
Sometimes, when ‘That Guy’ is messing up the party, you may be tempted to be the hero and punch the shit out of him. You will only be adding to the problem even if he deserves it. Again; time, place, don’t fuck up my turkey.

In closing, I would like to say that I have been ‘That Guy’ before. I think that most ‘That Guy’ moments are made by redeemable souls that only need to make those moments a lesson rather than a habit. The rotten asshole population is lower than we think it is, it’s just a lack of consideration most of the time. Love everyone until they give you a reason not to. Happy Holidays

Photo

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 15:03:05 -0500

The birthday Big Wheel

Sat, 17 Nov 2012 17:27:42 -0500

The birthday Big Wheel

Loving the pizzles

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 16:14:52 -0400

Loving the pizzles

"“In democracy you get the goverment you deserve. Alternately you deserve the government you..."

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:18:09 -0500

“

“In democracy you get the goverment you deserve. Alternately you deserve the government you got.”

-I would say the same applies to public restrooms

”

- ~Josef Heller about the government

~Me about the restrooms

Cool house

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 17:46:31 -0500

Cool house:

This house makes coming home drunk and falling asleep in the wrong room much more excusable

"Two things that are good for the same thing? Affirmations and toilet paper."

Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:01:57 -0500

“Two things that are good for the same thing? Affirmations and toilet paper.”

- My brain

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 17:12:07 -0500

Jim Caldwell

"I’m not afraid to be myself because, let’s face it, most Americans are too lazy and out..."

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 17:04:44 -0500

“I’m not afraid to be myself because, let’s face it, most Americans are too lazy and out of shape to strangle someone”

By request: Father's Day Ficara Letter Re-post

Tue, 30 Aug 2011 15:16:58 -0400

Happy Father’s Day! (Wait a minute…)

Valentine’s Day was not even upon us this year when stores swapped out their heart-shaped crap for egg-shaped crap. I see Christmas displays in September and mannequins wearing sweaters in July. Everyone in charge of getting you to buy stuff seems to agree that you’re too stupid to properly plan to buy the stuff required for these occasions unless they beat it into your head for three or four months.

One of the holidays that never suffers from this is Father’s Day. It’s the polar opposite of Mother’s Day. Society tells us to dote on our mothers. We shower them with hugs, kisses, flowers and brunch. Fathers usually wind up celebrating ‘their’ day by buying everyone in the family a steak dinner and pretending to believe that the kids remembered Father’s Day all on their own. Marketing wizards are still unable to come up with anything better than the traditionally appalling selection of Father’s Day gifts. Here are some less-than-stellar examples; cologne- you stink Dad! Here’s a tie- go to work Dad! How about a wallet so you can keep all of the money I will be asking for in one place? One of the other things the department store usually has on display for Father’s Day is travel alarms…TRAVEL ALARMS! Hey Dad, Happy Father’s Day…now beat it.

I’ll assume you agree with me that nobody plans ahead for Father’s Day and that certainly nobody is thinking about it in February. So what is this all about? What extraordinary fatherly achievement could put Father’s Day in my head four months early? I was busy slugging a pot of coffee and trying to get a minute to myself this morning. While at the computer checking the news and sports scores, I saw that Rod Stewart had once again become a father. I remember having a few thoughts about how creepy it is for a guy who’s pushing 70 to be fathering babies. This must be when the caffeine started working, because my mind seized upon the fact thathe had a bunch of kids by different women. I began Googling names of celebrity frequent-fathers like Mel Gibson, Evander Holyfield, Anthony Quinn, Travis Henry and Shawn Kemp looking for funny comparisons. While I fully recommend this as an amusing way to spend your morning, I was in no way prepared for what I was about to find out. While all of the serial dads mentioned above had Phelps-level swimmers, I came across an astonishing feat that eclipses the mere frequency of fatherhood that these men share. I Googled some more to make sure of the dates. I Googled even more to make sure I hadn’t made a mistake. I Googled for comparisons. I Googled so much I probably should have used lotion. Once I was finished fifteen furious minutes of half-assed research, I came to the conclusion that….

(drumroll)

…wait for it

(trumpets blaring)

ROD STEWART HAS FATHERED CHILDREN IN SIX CONSECUTIVE DECADES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How is it that I am the only one that seems to have noticed this? Why is there no groundswell of ‘Are you f@#king kidding me?!?’ Where are the conspiracy theories about whether or not Rod the Mod had to mod his rod? I would put it right up there with Cal Ripken’s 2,632 consecutive games played. I would compare it favorably with Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ staying in the Billboard Top 200 for 736 successive weeks. There should be jokes floating around the Internet about Rod Stewart’s sperm roundhouse-kicking Chuck Norris into next week! Of the names I have already mentioned I felt confident that Quinn, who fathered children into his eighties, had Stewart beat. Not so fast! Though Quinn did indeed father children in six different decades, none were born in the 80’s, so they were not consecutive . I am not sure if this achievement is singular among celebrity dads, but I could find no evidence to the contrary. Name me one other guy that someday will be able to drop one of his children off at preschool and mail another one a ‘Happy 50th Birthday’ card on the way home?

You’re welcome, Corporate America. I’ve now given you a reason to get those travel alarms,ties and wallets out on the shelves early! How serendipitous would it be for the achievements of a guy named Rod to inspire a sale on balls at a store named Dick’s? I hereby declare that we move Father’s Day to February in honor of Rod Stewart: the Pharaoh of Fertility, the Sultan of Swimmers, the Master of the Baby Plaster and the Maestro of Man-Gravy!

Too old to be picky, too young to give up. Currently working on...

Tue, 30 Aug 2011 12:45:19 -0400

Too old to be picky, too young to give up. Currently working on a results-oriented worldview with a dash of decency.